Complaining Prayers

Reading through Habakkuk, I am reminded of the importance to take my questions and requests to the Lord, to bring my complaints and frustrations to him in prayer.  I am to come to him boldly, not holding back or ashamed.  Habakkuk's complaints were complaining prayers, he cried out to God for answers in his time of struggle and God answered him with words of hope.  He was a man who sought answers. 

When I am troubled, I do not always bring my concerns directly to God.  I let fear and doubt hold me back, but why am I afraid?? A lot of times it's because He may not always answer like I expect or want. The problem is not with God and his ways, but with my limited understanding of God.

I have also been reading a lot of Psalms these days and I am realizing that most of the Psalms are lamenting or complaining prayers.  I am beginning to see that the complaining prayer is an amazing act of faith!  Habakkuk's complain was not self-absorbed grumbling.  What I observe is a man merely asking good questions and seeking the Lord honestly and passionately.

So I walk away from the scriptures with a desire to be more direct with the Lord, committing my questions, frustrations, complaints and requests to my Father in Heaven. I have the privilege to "come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.  There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." -Hebrew 4:16 

Blessings

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                 Merry Christmas!  I am grateful to God for His steadfast love, and I am enjoying this season of celebrating the birth of our Savior!
                 Truly there is much to be thankful for in this past month. One particular blessing for which I am thankful is that of continued ministry here at TX State and college campuses all over south Texas.  My heart continues to ache for these students to learn of our Savior and know Him personally.  Over a thousand students in South Texas have heard the gospel this fall- Praise God!
                  Another blessing this month was being able to go on vacation to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with my friend Karen.  My sweet friend asked if I would join her, after originally saying no because of money and timing, my friend graciously provided for me! I know the Lord knew I needed to get away for some much needed rest so he took care of the expenses through my friend’s generosity.
                  The Lord just keeps on blessing me and has provided me with a nice road bike through some very dear friends.  This will be so nice to use in San Marcos to get to the Cru office, TX State campus, and long bike rides with students.
                  God truly is the greatest giver of all.  I am overwhelmed with joy of His many blessings in my life.  After many months of praying and having others come alongside me in prayer for a much needed new car, the Lord has blessed me through some amazing folks that have come together and bought me a 2011 Toyota RAV4.

--> I am overwhelmed with joy of God’s love for me.  I do not see myself as very different from the disciples, especially Peter. I fail, betray and disappoint Christ every day. I can’t stay awake or focused long enough to give Him all the adoration He deserves. Yet, He still died for me.  And ultimately, His love for me brings Him the absolute glory because it’s not about me and how deserving of His love I am, rather, it’s about His choice to love me. It’s about what He did on the cross. It’s His life, not mine.  For that, I am overwhelmed.  Thank you God for blessing me much more than I deserve.   Many days when I stop to think about it, I cry to the Lord for feelings that I don’t deserve it all. However, my good friend reminded me that He has determined by His actions that I DO "deserve" His love, therefore who am I to say I don't?  Do I have a better sense of justice and mercy than He does?…of course not! So my conclusion is to say, "Thank you Lord for blessing me and loving me as you see fit!”  His love for us does bring Him glory but it also brings Him great pleasure.  

          May you have a blessed Christmas as you celebrate our Savior’s birth.

                  “From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.” John 1:16

Freedom to Grieve

Jesus told us in John 16:33 that in this world, in this lifetime, we will have trouble. There will be pain, tribulation, and suffering, and in the wake of trouble comes grief.  Grief is a part of life, we can not escape it. 

Grieve is something I never fully understood. I remember as a child getting tragic news about my aunt and cousins trailer catching on fire in the middle of the night while they were asleep and that my cousin Brian didn't make it out.  As an eleven year old, I was not sure what to do with this. Do I cry? Do I ask questions? Where do I go with all of this pain? There were many other deaths I walked through at an early age and I only remember shedding tears for a moment because I didn't know how to mourn.  Grieving was foreign to me, something I just didn't understand.

My sophomore year in high school I walked through a deep loss of my friend David that one day I sat at lunch with and the next day he was in the hospital after complaining to the coaches at football practice about a headache that led to him passing out. Days later he died.  This put my class in a deep slumber for the rest of our high school years.  This loss led me to cry out to God and search for meaning and purpose of life. Yet I still did not know what to do with the deep aches and pains my heart was feeling, I just got to point where I just moved on.

At the age of 33, I have lost all four of my grandparents. They will never see me marry or have children and this saddens my heart.  Though I was not close with my mother's parents, my heart grieves the loss of them choosing alcohol all those years over truly knowing me.

  

The year of 2006 was the hardest year I had to walk through as my family and I walked through six deaths, the hardest being my Aunt Cecelia.  She and I were attached to the hip any time we were together. Her tragic life was taken unexpectedly and that brought a lot of pain to this heart of mine. There were a lot of questions that to this day have not been answered.  I went into deep depression and felt so alone.  I wrestled with God and felt others pull away. 

I felt the Lord pressing on my heart over the summer to seek Him on what it means to grieve Biblically and it has been a freeing process over these last several months.  At first I was resistant and confused why this was all coming back to the surface, but as I began to seek God's Word it became more clear:  There is FREEDOM to GRIEVE and the Bible paints a totally different picture then what I have been taught and I want to seek the Lord through pain that comes my way rather it’s death or a disappointment of some sort because there will be more grief to come in this lifetime.

What I have learned is that we know how to cry, we know how to be sad, and we know how to get on with life, but really, we don’t know how to grieve, how to mourn, how to process the pain of deep loss. What Christians often do less well is grieve. We lack a ritual for the long and tiring process that is sorrow and loss. When someone loses a loved one, for about two weeks the church is really the church. People might come by the house, bring flowers or baked casseroles, but then the two weeks end, and so do the sympathy e-mails, calls and cards.  That’s definitely how I felt, I was still bawling my eyes out and questioning God, while everyone else, understandably, forgot and went back to their normal lives and I found that I was left alone to deal with the tragic death of my aunt Cecelia and the other relatives that had passed on.

I have been reading “A Grace Disguised”  by Jerry Sittser over the summer and is now one of my favorite books.  He talks about how all people suffer loss, but that really it's useless to compare losses. He does make a distinction, however, between natural and predictable losses and catastrophic, devastating, irreversible losses. The natural predictable losses include things like growing up... losing your youth, but gaining adulthood; or, watching your child get married... "losing" your child, but gaining a son or daughter in law.

Then there are the catastrophic, devastating, irreversible losses. About these, Sittser writes, "If normal, natural, reversible loss is like a broken limb, then catastrophic loss is like an amputation. The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, the consequences cumulative. Each new day forces one to face some new devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one's life."

“Can anyone really expect to recover from such tragedy, considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss? Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss, by definition precludes recovery. It will transform or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. What ever the future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper."

So basically I am learning it’s okay to grieve and recovering isn't really an option because a deep, tragic loss forever changes you. It doesn't mean that I’ll remain forever in the pit of sorrow and despair; because by God's grace, He meets us there and carries us through.  It’s all part of my story. 

So yes I will continue to grieve the loss of loved ones and difficult circumstances in my life.  I have the freedom to grieve. I must mourn, but I also must go on living. I never want to be a prisoner of my past or be a victim to it.

So I leave you with the biggest lesson I have gained from this journey, my new favorite verse: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 This verse has opened my heart  and eyes to how beautiful it is to not only celebrate with others in their blessings and joys they are experiencing, but how beautiful it is to grieve with those in deep losses and pains, how beautiful to walk with them, to be in it with them.  It seems that our flesh is uncomfortable with tragedy so we run from it.  It’s uncomfortable to not only deal with our own sadness, but to try and walk alongside someone else in there pain is harder.  We tend to run from it.  It’s hard and uncomfortable to stick by friends in pain because it’s a long, long process.  Healing is a process.  Mourning is a part of life.  So in light of this verse I have found, I want to put this truth into practice, to sow that into others lives.  

 

An Addiction

Freedom from sin, is that even possible?  Some days I don't feel like it is.  Some days I like my sin.  I wrestle with the Lord over my junk.  I hold onto it tight, not willing to let go.  I am quite selfish to tell you the truth.  I feel like I prefer my sin more than my God at times.  Deep down inside, I know that's not true or I wouldn't be sitting here sharing my frustration over sin because that's really what it comes down to.  I feel weak, alone and mad that sin reigns in me and what I really long for is freedom from this selfishness, laziness, control, lust, lying, pride, jealousy, judgment and fear. And that's just some of my sin.  All of us fail on some level. "There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins" (Ecclesiastes 7:20). It is, as the apostle Paul wrote, to be unable to do the good that one wants to do. Of this dilemma Paul asked, "Who will deliver me from this body of death?" (Romans 7:24). Only the Good Shepherd.  

When I feel at my lowest point I write little blurbs to the Lord.  I found this one below.  It's from a few years back and there are many days this is what my heart is feeling. It is so freeing to write to the Lord in this way!

An Addiction

This sin is an addiction I crave.

I lose myself to that little voice.

This sin, I have fallen and made myself slave.

Filth, disgust, what would people think?

Sometimes it hurts so I just ignore.

My flesh gives and gives into the weak.

I feel like a rash, some kind of sore.

It never seems to die, not even when I pray.

Does it even matter what I say?

I know it's wrong,

Can’t I see, I’m blinded by Satan’s way?

The devils’ screaming,

Breathing down my neck

And I feel like a wreck.
 

Your heart is filled with pain

Tears that keep on streaming

Oh God, who am I?

A dying spirit looking for you?

Why do I keep running,

Hiding from the truth?

Seeking for a cure...

Will this sin always be?

Killing me little by little

until I no longer see?

Be Disciplined. Work Hard. Run to Make a Difference.

Training for a half marathon has definitely been freaken hard. There are many days I want to quit. The closer it gets to the actual big 13.1 mile run has been the hardest.  I wonder what the heck I got myself into and why I thought this was a good idea. I have definitely had a lot of internal conversations over this half-marathon. 

God is using this training to remind me what it takes to live the Christian life- hard work, self-denial, and grueling preparation.  There is no way I could run this half Marathon the end of the month if I hadn't started my training months ago. I couldn't of just woken up one morning, jogged a couple of laps and been ready for 13 miles. I couldn't have done it, no way. It has taken training diligently to get were I am right now. This is so true of my Christian life.  The essential disciplines of prayer, Bible study, worshiping the Lord equips me to run with vigor and stamina.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 is a passage God continually brings to mind since I started all of this running. Especially verse 27- "but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified."  I remember my discipler in college talking about that verse when she was training for her marathon. 

Now I get it.  As humans with a sinful flesh, we're continually tempted and led astray by ungodly desires of the flesh. Rather than letting the flesh control me, Paul tells believers to beat their bodies into submission. Oftentimes I don't want to run just like often I don't feel like reading my Bible or getting on my knees in prayer. I don't always want to fast or wake up early for church or share the gospel with others. Sometimes I would rather watch TV or get on facebook than spend time memorizing Scripture or doing my Bible study. Living out the Christian faith requires great discipline. I have to force myself to sit before the Lord, and I have to discipline myself to spend extended time in prayer. I am not going to become knowledgeable of the Scriptures by accident. This takes hours and hours of disciplined training.

This training has been hard, but I am so thankful for it!!!!

Priorities

Pressures, demands, expectations, and tasks push in from all sides and assault our schedules.  I feel this often rather it's my team, students, ministry partners, my region or even myself.  Do this! Be there! Finish that! Call them! It's overwhelming at times, sometimes draining to the point where I feel like I have very little to give.

This brings me to Haggai chapter one.  I have been camping out in this passage for a couple weeks now.  I definitely connect with the Jews and their assignment of rebuilding the temple.  They started out with the right heart attitude, but got distracted, procrastinated, made excuses and God was no longer their priority.  They began to build their lives around caring for their own families rather than God's concerns.

For months my life has been built around caring for others all the while neglecting my own personal walk with God.  I have been putting my energy in ministry instead of my relationship with God.  For instance the more the Jews worked the less they had because they ignored their spiritual lives. Because God wasn't first, their work was not fruitful or productive. Judah's problem was confused priorities much like mine. Many times I allow ministry to be my God.  I have been going through the motions.  I have become more concerned about the students in this ministry, about the way I performed for them, my team and my ministry partners that God became low on my priority list. There have been times where I have felt frustrated with the results with ministry this semester and God used this passage to awaken me.

What I have learned is that the problem is not the volume of demands, but values- what is truly important to me.  I have been struggling because I have been more concerned about pleasing others rather then God, bottom line! This is what the Lord almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways." Haggai 1:5;7  This verse is the Lord getting my attention and calling me to action. Studying this passage has challenged and encouraged me, reminding me of God's claim on my life and my priorities.

A Cartload of Sin

A few weeks ago, I found myself reading Isaiah 5:18-21 and I'm not even sure how I landed on this passage, but I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.  

^"What sorrow for those who drag their sins behind them with ropes made of lies, who drag wickedness behind them like a cart! They even mock God and say, “Hurry up and do something! We want to see what you can do. Let the Holy One of Israel carry out his plan, for we want to know what it is.” What sorrow for those who say that evil is good and good is evil, that dark is light and light is dark, that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter. What sorrow for those who are wise in their own eyes and think themselves so clever."

I'm very much like the nation of Judah because I often drag my sin around and refuse to give it up.  I'm not sure if the people of Judah were being arrogant about it or what, but my sin has become a burden.  It is wearing me down, the cartload is heavy.  This leads me to Romans 7 when Paul talks about his struggle with sin.  "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."   I think many times I try to fight the sin out of my own strength or I make excuses for the sin, justifying it any way I can possible.  Many times I make rash promises to God that I will stop.  So maybe I'm arrogant, maybe I like the sin too much so I keep dragging it around, piling up my cart no matter how heavy it is. I mean seriously, I'm a jerk for telling God I'll stop when I apparently have no intention on doing so or I wouldn't keep on throwing more into my cart. Instead I would stop dragging the crap around with me and pull over, dumping it all out.

           Are you dragging around a cartload of sins that you refuse to give up?

So where do I find freedom? When can I be free? Will I continue on sinning? When will there be victory? These are questions I often find myself asking God, much like Judah.  But who am I to get irritated with God and mock him when I've known the answer all along.  The Lord offers an answer- His Word.  If I don't take the Bible as my standard, soon all moral choices will appear fuzzy and I will continue to drag my sin behind me.  This brings me to Matthew 11: 28-30, a passage that reminds me that Jesus offers help.

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Let Jesus Free You!!!