Freedom from sin, is that even possible? Some days I don't feel like it is. Some days I like my sin. I wrestle with the Lord over my junk. I hold onto it tight, not willing to let go. I am quite selfish to tell you the truth. I feel like I prefer my sin more than my God at times. Deep down inside, I know that's not true or I wouldn't be sitting here sharing my frustration over sin because that's really what it comes down to. I feel weak, alone and mad that sin reigns in me and what I really long for is freedom from this selfishness, laziness, control, lust, lying, pride, jealousy, judgment and fear. And that's just some of my sin. All of us fail on some level. "There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins" (Ecclesiastes 7:20). It is, as the apostle Paul wrote, to be unable to do the good that one wants to do. Of this dilemma Paul asked, "Who will deliver me from this body of death?" (Romans 7:24). Only the Good Shepherd.
When I feel at my lowest point I write little blurbs to the Lord. I found this one below. It's from a few years back and there are many days this is what my heart is feeling. It is so freeing to write to the Lord in this way!
An Addiction
This sin is an addiction I crave.
I lose myself to that little voice.
This sin, I have fallen and made myself slave.
Filth, disgust, what would people think?
Sometimes it hurts so I just ignore.
My flesh gives and gives into the weak.
I feel like a rash, some kind of sore.
It never seems to die, not even when I pray.
Does it even matter what I say?
I know it's wrong,
Can’t I see, I’m blinded by Satan’s way?
The devils’ screaming,
Breathing down my neck
And I feel like a wreck.
Your heart is filled with pain
Tears that keep on streaming
Oh God, who am I?
A dying spirit looking for you?
Why do I keep running,
Hiding from the truth?
Seeking for a cure...
Will this sin always be?
Killing me little by little
until I no longer see?
