Cry out to Jesus

It's been a while since I blogged so I thought I'd share the 2 Psalms I wrote for a class assignment in seminary.  I love being raw and vulnerable with my Savior.  He knows my heart and gets me like no one else.  I loved doing this assignment and I pray my psalms encourage you to cry out to Jesus and let him in. 

Psalm of Lament

Lord, I am wailing out to you, do you not hear?

And what will you do if I continue in this inexcusable fear

and if I proceed to weep, searching for help with

confusion that continues to seep?

Will you hear me? Answer my pain?

Or will you let me be, going frantically insane?

I long for your help from this ugly sin,

causing me to weep, desiring to win.

Transgressions, misdeeds, all this wrong living in me. 

It’s tearing me up, killing this heart, wanting to be free.

Lord, I weep; I hurt. Consuming in lies, bringing me down,

so many tries.  Yet this face still sits a frown.

Have you rejected me?

Leaving me in the dark where my eyes cannot see?

Assuming I’ll find the mark laid out before me?

It never dies, not even when I pray.

Does it even matter what I say?  It’s wrong, it’s wrong!!

Can’t I see, I’m blinded by Satan’s way.

This sin is an addiction I crave.  I lose myself to that little voice.

This sin, I have fallen and made myself slave.

Save me from this pit; this blazing fire.

This being longs to fit in your heart’s desire.

The devils’ screaming, breathing down my neck

and I feel like a wreck.  Your heart is filled with pain

and these tears, they keep on streaming. I am a mess.

O God, listen to my prayer, hear my cry and open your ears.

Look at these tears of mine.  I long for you.  Your love and

truth are all that keeps me together.

My sins are all around me, and I can’t find my way. 

I feel weak. Please show that you care and come to my rescue.

You are my savior, O my God, come quickly. Help me to defeat this sin.

No one else can rescue me. You will give me victory and crush this sin.

A Psalm of Praise

O, thank God, he’s so good.

When I am inside God's walls I feel safe.

He looks after me.

Even if all other walls fall,

I hold to the truth because God is my place of safety.

I live with the Lord for He is my stronghold.

The world is busy outside of its walls,

But my trust is in God, for He will guide me.

The enemy fights for my attention,

but God fights more.

And this sin is chasing after me,

but God is calling out to me.

His love never runs out. 

He set me free a long time ago.

His love endures forever.

So I thank God for His marvelous love

And for the wonderful things he does for me.

O, thank God, he’s so good.

I see what he has done and it takes my breath away.

This sin tried to get cozy with me,

but I cried out to God with my mouth.

He heard my plea and came to my rescue.

He came quickly when he heard my prayer.

Praise God, for he did not ignore my prayer

Or withdraw his unfailing love from me.

His love endures forever.

Expectations

Expectations.

We all have them.

I am just as guilty as anyone.

We all have experienced the pain, frustration and disappointment of unmet expectations that we have placed upon others or others have placed on us; whether they be the expectations of our employers and fellow employees, our church, our friends, our relatives - especially parents, children, spouses or dating relationships, and yes, even the expectations of pastors and other ministry leaders.

Not all expectations are realistic or healthy, no matter who formulates them.

The last couple years I have noticed certain expectations I put on myself, that I put on God and that I put on others. I have also noticed the expectations others have put on me. This is where I have really found myself stuck.  I have seen how it has robbed me. Not meeting others expectations has caused me to beat myself up, feeling extremely insecure and wounded.  It has only brought destruction in my life.  It has taken away my joy, holding me back from living in the present, keeping me in the past.  Being in full-time ministry and even in leadership roles over the years I have experienced pressure and a certain weight of responsibility put on me and often  unfair.  I feel compared to and at times torn down for not fulfilling a role a certain way.  Expectations, they sure do suck.  Why do we put them on each other?  Why don’t we remember that our experiences and our role in the church, in ministry or others roles God places us in are meant to be unique and shouldn’t be compared to anyone else’s.  My leadership will not be like someone else's leadership. It’s not designed to be.

I didn't realize the hardships I would face stepping into certain leadership roles over the years.  Honestly, it's a lonely place. But what I have learned- I can't be all things to all people.  I am not spiritually perfect.  I can't meet everyone's needs or be above being hurt.  A quote I read recently speaks it well: "People's needs are great, and their expectations are endless. You cannot base your life and ministry on the expectations of others." -Wayne Cordeiro 

Do I feel used by others?  Could part of my problem be my need to please people? Do I live for God’s glory or the approval of man?  Is my self worth tied up in what others think of me, what I do, or in what Christ thinks of me?

So as you can see, I have been processing expectations a lot lately -what kind of expectations I usually place on others, on myself and on God.  Because honestly I believe we often don’t notice it.  The many expectations we put on others is subconscious –we’re not often aware of it and the same goes to those who put them on us. These expectations we put on each other are often unfair and unrealistic.

In One Thousand Gifts, I read: "Expectations kill relationships—especially with God. ... Is it only when our lives are emptied that we're surprised by how truly full our lives were? Instead of filling with expectations, the joy-filled expect nothing—and are filled. This breath! This oak tree! This daisy! This work! This sky! These people! This place! This day! Surprise! ... Are there times that a sense of entitlement—expectations—is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy? And what do I really deserve? Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved, but instead, God graciously, passionately offers gifts, our bodies, our time, our very lives."

So as I have been milling over expectations I decided it was important I understand the definition and this is what I discovered: Expectation means looking forward to; anticipation; a reason for looking forward to something; prospect for the future; the probability of the occurrence of something.

Here is my encouragement to us all.  Let your expectations be of God.

The key lesson I discovered here is to understand that my expectation should be in God, not other people or even myself. God wants me to have expectations, but I must make sure my expectations are in the right place – in Him.

   

I realized that God wants me to have great expectations in Him, it was a big breakthrough for me.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. Psalm 62:5

Letting Go is FREEDOM!

For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.  1 Samuel 16:7   

The Devil's Game 

I played it over and over

And I just don’t get it

This didn’t have to be so huge

But you made a big fit

Now all eyes are on me

Watching every move I make

Struggling to be free

I feel like a damn fake

My reputation is gone

They all look at me weird

Making me go through hoops

This is just what I feared

I hate this game

I don’t want to play

But have it your way

I guess I’ll take the blame

Only God knows what’s true

He sees this heart of mine

There is nothing else I can do

With Him I’ll be just fine          

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So why the above poem?  I wrote it a while ago as I was processing with the Lord and looking to Him for healing over some hurt I had experienced that was killing my soul.  There is just something so therapeutic for me in writing a verbal composition to convey experiences and emotions in a vivid and imaginative way.  I connect in such a sweet and intimate way with the Lord as he helps me get that pain from my heart, out of my head and into poem form.  For me it's so freeing and allows me to connect with the Lord in a deep and creative way.  

This particular poem was written during a time I was facing some hardships and I knew the best way for me to make sense of my emotions and heal was to express to the Lord exactly what I was feeling. The Lord met me in such a sweet way as I sat down and wrote this. He helped me put into words the hurt and pain I was experiencing in a way that I know He understood even if no one else did because he gets me like nobody else does and for me, that's all that matters.  This poem was also a way for me to let go and let God.  LETTING GO IS FREEDOM!

Deep Holes

1. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

2. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in. I can’t believe I’m in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
3. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
4. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the side walk. I walk around it.
5. I walk down a different street. 
—An Autobiography in Five Short Paragraphs, by Portia Nelson

So, what deep holes swallow you time and time again?  I’ll name a few of mine: feeling profoundly inadequate, my inability to see myself as God does, not feeling good enough, my impatience, holding on to hurtful words and running back to the same sin. I have not always been able to identify my holes. But I am seeing just a bit of light. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature…” (Galatians 5:16-17).

•Nature turns all things to itself and pushes itself into the spotlight, while grace refers all things to God.
•Nature longs to know secrets and to have the inside story, while grace pursues what is useful for the soul.
•Nature is quick to complain, while grace endures all things resolutely.
•Nature wishes to be seen in public, while grace seeks to avoid vain displays.
•Nature longs to be steeped in sensual experience, while grace exercises restraint of the senses.
•Nature wants to be noticed by others, while grace wants to be noticed by God.
•Nature is ruled by sin, while grace is ruled by grace.
•Nature represents vice, while grace represents virtue.
•Nature attempts to judge between good and evil, while grace teaches us the eternal law of God.
•Nature does not act on what it knows to be good, while grace flees sin and evil.
•Nature relies on natural gifts, while grace relies on the gifts of God’s mercy.
•Nature succumbs to vice, while grace radiates virtue.
•Nature flees truth, while grace submits to truth.
•Nature runs on its own energy, while grace relies on energy from God.
•Nature ignores its failures and refuses to learn from them, while grace humbly embraces shortcomings and learns from them.

Broken Record

I wrote this poem because I find myself replaying that broken record over and over again and I know I am not alone in this. I know everyone listens to those negative internal conversations running around in their head, at times letting it get the best of them.  I once had someone tell me they aren't insecure and don't struggle.  And honestly, I have a hard time believing that because I think everyone struggles with an insecurity to some level.  Some let it play like a broken record and others may be able to shrug it off more often then others.  Either way, we all believe in some lie about ourselves. I struggle with the way I look.  I have never thought of myself as someone that is very pretty.  I haven't always been fond of my crooked teeth or body. This stems from not being pursued by boys growing up all the way into my adulthood and being teased.  I struggle with not feeling good enough in a lot of the things I do. Struggling over the years with 4 learning disabilities, I get timid and afraid that I am going to let people down or that others will not give me a chance.  This stems from when people have taken over or don't believe the best in me or when others try to one up me. Or when people are impatient with me because I process slower.  I had one algebra teacher in high school tell me that I was never going to get it, which translated in my head you're not smart enough to get it.  It's amazing how these lies continue into adulthood like a broken record.  Sometimes I stop playing the record, then one day I turn it on and let it play over and over again.  What's your broken record playing?

-->Broken Record

This voice is strong

Like a broken record.

Satan replays it over and over.

You’re not good enough,

That’s all I hear.

You’re not good enough,

The sound is so clear.

Stupid and ugly to name just a few.

Words that hold on so strong,

It’s hard to believe something new.

Lies that seep in over the years.

Lies that become real.

Lies that bring about so many fears.

Over time Satan’s power weighs me down.

The Spirit there fighting for me,

Trying to turn that frown upside down,

Whispering in my ear you can be free!

The lies demand control,

Desperately wanting the throne.

Every day seeking for my soul

And this heart feels so alone.

How do I let go when I feel so low?

O God, how I need you.

Only through Him will I let go!

It's time to crush that record and play something new! Time to listen to the Lord and hear his voice, not Satan's.  That is the only way to be free. Will you break that record? Play something new? Play His beautiful music instead of the old, broken one that hurts. It's time to let go.  It's time be free!

It is in the race.

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I am a triathlete.  I never thought in a million years I would be saying that.  For the last couple of years my friend Erin has been trying to get me to do a triathlon with him.  I said no over and over again.  I didn’t just say no, I said I would never ever do one.  Then one day it happened, I found myself training for a tri!  What’s that saying again . . . never say never??!!

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Now mind you, I am not a good triathlete, but I did finish my first race the end of April and that means I can finally call myself a triathlete.  I trained for months for this race.  I spent a lot of time in the pool learning to swim free style for the first time.  I put a lot of miles on my bike and running shoes.  I even invested in a few things to help in my training, but even still I wasn’t officially a triathlete.  I had never completed a race, I had never completed the distance of all three events on the same day; I was just a gal who was swimming, biking and running every week.  Then the day came where I had the opportunity to put into practice what I had learned and actually compete in the race.  I was not as ready as I thought I was, I hadn't trained as well as I should of, but I was determined to persevere through each event and not quit. As I reflect back on my training and race day,  I am reminded how the Christian life is not in the training, it is in the race.  We train to run the race.  

Yes, I bought all the stuff I needed to compete in a tri like swim goggles, swim cap, tri suit, a bike odometer, etc, but even still that didn’t make me a triathlete.  I can buy and pursue the things that will make me look and feel like a triathelete, just like I can I can carry my bible with me, attend bible studies, sing songs and pray prayers, but if I don’t put the things I learn into practice and compete in the race, then what the heck am I doing?

So how is competitive training and racing comparable to living the Christian life? What insights can I gain into living the Christian life from my own experience of running and from the Scriptures that develop this image? 

It starts with the training of coarse.  I know I would of not been able to finish that tri had I not trained at all.  I have learned that to be a great runner, swimmer and biker I have to train consistently.   For training to reap its maximum benefit, I must discipline my entire life, not just my time on the track or pool. Hard work is necessary, and that, at times, is painful.  I must be willing to endure hardship! Be willing to put up with pain, knowing what it produces! I also must enjoy the training. As a Christian, I am training not only to achieve a goal, but to become like Christ in the process of living in this world. I am training not only for heaven, but for the rest of my life on earth. And I must learn to be thankful for my trials, to rest in God in the midst of those trials, and, yes, to enjoy the process, to "consider it pure joy" when I am faced with trials.

Now then, when this kind of training occurs, I am prepared to race and in order to race well I need to stay focused and alert. My eyes are to remain fixed on Jesus, looking straight ahead at him, not looking to the world around me, not looking at the problems that face me, not looking at my own past failures or accomplishments, but focusing only on my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  In addition to keeping focus, a good racer must maintain his form throughout the race. As our bodies tire, the natural tendency is to tense up: our shoulders rise, our jaws tighten, we become worried and then get even tighter. And though this is natural, it is quite counterproductive; the tighter we become, the slower we go.  So I need to maintain my form so that I can run the race well and lastly I must simply relax.  I am not called upon to be strong on my own, or to accomplish things for God through my own strength. On the contrary, Jesus tells us "apart from me, you can do nothing."  Instead, I am to rest in him, to relax in him, to allow him to work through me. My job is to focus on him, to turn my thoughts to him, to pray to him, to depend on his word, to put on his armor -- then, and only then, can I succeed in the race of faith. 

One can read everything they need to know about being a triathlete in books or on the internet.  But having the knowledge does not make one a triathlete.  And training does not make one a triathlete if they never compete.  Crossing the finish line makes one a triathlete.  Being a Christian is no different.

Even Us Extraverts Need Our Downtime

I am an extravert and I love being surrounded by people and activities. I grew up playing at all hours down the street with my friends, going to sleep overs whenever I got the chance and getting involved in multiple extracurricular activities.   In high school, one would either find me at Jill Rejeanne’s Dance studio, an Irving High football game, at Plymouth Park Baptist Church, working at Burger King or at my best friends house.  I didn’t like to be alone.  I talked to anyone and everyone, no matter what social circle they ran with.  I would say I was pretty known in my high school years. I was even nominated for the “Most Friendliest” of my class.  I liked being with others and doing something.  This was no different when I entered college. I was constantly popping my head in different rooms while living in the dorms, I went to a lot of Phi Lamb and Cru parties and sometimes choosing social hour at the student center over going to class.  After college I spent 2 years in Russia working with Cru, where I rarely had a moment to myself.  I loved those two years. I loved investing a lot of time with my Russians friends and I especially loved that they were very relational and enjoyed quality time. I thrived in ministry those 2 years.  I have been on staff with Cru for the past ten years. I am constantly with people, building relationships and initiating a lot.  I love that my job is so people orientated. 

But... over the years, I have learned that I reach certain points where I simply have to have time and space to myself or I'll crash and burn.  What, an extravert and solitude? As in "down" time, alone time, nobody in my space time, no internet, telephone, TV, or even bury myself in a good book time?  Yes, even extraverts need down time. Is that a crime? It doesn’t mean I am becoming an introvert or depressed, it just means I am learning the importance of making space to rest and reflect.  It means I am getting older and wiser. I am growing up!

When I keep going and going to right over the top of the headache, insomnia, pain in the back, neck and shoulders, I usually don't even notice when the weariness sets in. Instead, I end up feeling like I need to push a little bit harder. That's an extravert for ya. But the older I have gotten, I have learned to pull back, slow down, unplug, let my batteries recharge.   As I continue to lead more and more in my job, I have learned even more that I need time in solitude, to let the chaos settle a bit and invite God to show me evidence of his presence at work in big ways and subtle ways and allow him to guide me in understanding what these things mean (something I learned while reading Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership). 

My dose of solitude last wknd was just what my soul ordered.  I realize how often I don’t allow room for stillness, silence and rest in the Lord.  As a campus director of a ministry, I understand more and more everyday the importance to have the discipline of solitude. It is my lifeline.

Jesus said, “Come off by yourselves; let’s take a break and get a little rest.”

~ Mark 6:31 (The Message)

Torn Up Inside

Today is the anniversary of my Aunt Cecelia's tragic death.  March 31, 2006 is the day her life ended on this earth.  That was a very hard and painful day, but the weeks and year to follow only led to more pain and hardship. Left with little answers, but I know there will be a day when the truth comes out. I cried out to the Lord many nights that year. Wrestling with Him, longing for answers. Today, this heart still grieves and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I loved the relationship I had with my precious aunt Cecelia. Below is a poem I wrote that tragic year during the most painful mourning I have ever walked through.

Torn Up Inside

I wallow in my pain,

It’s hard to let go.

Barely staying sane,

I feel so low.

Broken into pieces,

Trying to move on,

Distant from Jesus,

I cry all day long.

My heart is aching,

Cecelia’s gone.

The sorrow is growing,

Time passes on.

I toss and turn,

Praying to God,

Trying to understand-

“WHY DID SHE BURN?”

The pain hasn’t left,

I continue to mourn.

Seeking answers,

I feel so torn.

This love makes me cry,

It tears me up within.

“WHY DID SHE DIE?”

I just can’t understand.

I’ll miss her love,

This I can’t deny.

Thank God from above,

This isn’t goodbye!

Up in Heaven,

I pray she will be!

I wait for my time-

One day I will see.

The Ability to Feel

Growing up, I remember getting my feelings hurt easily.  I got made fun of as many children experience to some degree. I was picked on and often rejected.  I was super sensitive and took things very personal.  I cried when I failed a test, when I messed up a dance routine in front of everyone or when I was left out of plans made by my friends.  Now I didn't cry over every little thing, I actually was embarrassed and ashamed when the tears came flooding from the face.  I was told to suck it up, don't be so sensitive.  Now why was it okay to express joy and happiness and not hurt, sadness or anger?  Is it so wrong to delve into the intensity of these feelings?  Where do emotions come from any way? 

This ability to feel comes from our being made in the image of God.  God did it!  Inside of me is a world of emotions and I still fight them, but I am learning to tap into them more and more the older I get.  So with that said, I am going to be vulnerable right now and share some of that intensity that I find deep and real. I am not ashamed, I am free.  So below is how I often express myself to the Lord, being completely raw!

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Falling Tears

Inside I am broken.

My heart is torn;

Lost in this cold, cold world,

Wishing I was never born.

Invisible, hidden, and rejected

My voice is silent.

I am in fear, scared out of my mind.

Everything is so violent.

My heart is pounding, deep in hurt.

Lord I am crying out,

Praying you hear my voice

Because deep within I tend to doubt.

I know I am not abiding.

I don’t understand why I keep hiding.

The tears keep falling, tumbling down my face,

I hide this shame in my pillow,

Letting my pain soak at a slow pace.

But the tears, they just keep falling.

I want out of this agony,

This is how I feel,

It can’t be covered up-

It’s just too real!