Torn Up Inside

Today is the anniversary of my Aunt Cecelia's tragic death.  March 31, 2006 is the day her life ended on this earth.  That was a very hard and painful day, but the weeks and year to follow only led to more pain and hardship. Left with little answers, but I know there will be a day when the truth comes out. I cried out to the Lord many nights that year. Wrestling with Him, longing for answers. Today, this heart still grieves and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I loved the relationship I had with my precious aunt Cecelia. Below is a poem I wrote that tragic year during the most painful mourning I have ever walked through.

Torn Up Inside

I wallow in my pain,

It’s hard to let go.

Barely staying sane,

I feel so low.

Broken into pieces,

Trying to move on,

Distant from Jesus,

I cry all day long.

My heart is aching,

Cecelia’s gone.

The sorrow is growing,

Time passes on.

I toss and turn,

Praying to God,

Trying to understand-

“WHY DID SHE BURN?”

The pain hasn’t left,

I continue to mourn.

Seeking answers,

I feel so torn.

This love makes me cry,

It tears me up within.

“WHY DID SHE DIE?”

I just can’t understand.

I’ll miss her love,

This I can’t deny.

Thank God from above,

This isn’t goodbye!

Up in Heaven,

I pray she will be!

I wait for my time-

One day I will see.

The Ability to Feel

Growing up, I remember getting my feelings hurt easily.  I got made fun of as many children experience to some degree. I was picked on and often rejected.  I was super sensitive and took things very personal.  I cried when I failed a test, when I messed up a dance routine in front of everyone or when I was left out of plans made by my friends.  Now I didn't cry over every little thing, I actually was embarrassed and ashamed when the tears came flooding from the face.  I was told to suck it up, don't be so sensitive.  Now why was it okay to express joy and happiness and not hurt, sadness or anger?  Is it so wrong to delve into the intensity of these feelings?  Where do emotions come from any way? 

This ability to feel comes from our being made in the image of God.  God did it!  Inside of me is a world of emotions and I still fight them, but I am learning to tap into them more and more the older I get.  So with that said, I am going to be vulnerable right now and share some of that intensity that I find deep and real. I am not ashamed, I am free.  So below is how I often express myself to the Lord, being completely raw!

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Falling Tears

Inside I am broken.

My heart is torn;

Lost in this cold, cold world,

Wishing I was never born.

Invisible, hidden, and rejected

My voice is silent.

I am in fear, scared out of my mind.

Everything is so violent.

My heart is pounding, deep in hurt.

Lord I am crying out,

Praying you hear my voice

Because deep within I tend to doubt.

I know I am not abiding.

I don’t understand why I keep hiding.

The tears keep falling, tumbling down my face,

I hide this shame in my pillow,

Letting my pain soak at a slow pace.

But the tears, they just keep falling.

I want out of this agony,

This is how I feel,

It can’t be covered up-

It’s just too real!

I have a secret. . .

I am not a verbal processor.



I am an internal processor. 
       Surprised?

I am!!!  It only took me my whole life to come to this conclusion.  I asked my mentor Shannon a few months back if she thought I was a verbal or internal processor.  Her answer was internal processor and that surprised me.  I have been thinking about her answer ever since and reflecting on my thought-life as funny as that sounds, then the light-bulb went off!  As I thought more and more about it, it all made sense.  All these years and now I get it.  I am in fact an internal processor!
               I think because I am an extravert, this confused me and probably others too.  But it's true, I need time to think and ponder things internally and generally alone, which means I might need more down time then an average extravert, especially the older I get.

       So, when confronted by something, as an internal processor l need some quiet time to process it.  This is why I don't like being put on the spot.  I do not think out loud like some do.  It takes me awhile to think things through.  I am so insanely busy these days that sometimes I find it hard to really have time or the energy to internally process.  


                                      And what I do know is that I need time, period! 

        Though some people may get frustrated with me, especially the verbal processors, I am thankful God wired me this way.  So let me sit back, reflect and process at a pace that works for me.