Deep Holes

1. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

2. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in. I can’t believe I’m in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
3. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
4. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the side walk. I walk around it.
5. I walk down a different street. 
—An Autobiography in Five Short Paragraphs, by Portia Nelson

So, what deep holes swallow you time and time again?  I’ll name a few of mine: feeling profoundly inadequate, my inability to see myself as God does, not feeling good enough, my impatience, holding on to hurtful words and running back to the same sin. I have not always been able to identify my holes. But I am seeing just a bit of light. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature…” (Galatians 5:16-17).

•Nature turns all things to itself and pushes itself into the spotlight, while grace refers all things to God.
•Nature longs to know secrets and to have the inside story, while grace pursues what is useful for the soul.
•Nature is quick to complain, while grace endures all things resolutely.
•Nature wishes to be seen in public, while grace seeks to avoid vain displays.
•Nature longs to be steeped in sensual experience, while grace exercises restraint of the senses.
•Nature wants to be noticed by others, while grace wants to be noticed by God.
•Nature is ruled by sin, while grace is ruled by grace.
•Nature represents vice, while grace represents virtue.
•Nature attempts to judge between good and evil, while grace teaches us the eternal law of God.
•Nature does not act on what it knows to be good, while grace flees sin and evil.
•Nature relies on natural gifts, while grace relies on the gifts of God’s mercy.
•Nature succumbs to vice, while grace radiates virtue.
•Nature flees truth, while grace submits to truth.
•Nature runs on its own energy, while grace relies on energy from God.
•Nature ignores its failures and refuses to learn from them, while grace humbly embraces shortcomings and learns from them.

Broken Record

I wrote this poem because I find myself replaying that broken record over and over again and I know I am not alone in this. I know everyone listens to those negative internal conversations running around in their head, at times letting it get the best of them.  I once had someone tell me they aren't insecure and don't struggle.  And honestly, I have a hard time believing that because I think everyone struggles with an insecurity to some level.  Some let it play like a broken record and others may be able to shrug it off more often then others.  Either way, we all believe in some lie about ourselves. I struggle with the way I look.  I have never thought of myself as someone that is very pretty.  I haven't always been fond of my crooked teeth or body. This stems from not being pursued by boys growing up all the way into my adulthood and being teased.  I struggle with not feeling good enough in a lot of the things I do. Struggling over the years with 4 learning disabilities, I get timid and afraid that I am going to let people down or that others will not give me a chance.  This stems from when people have taken over or don't believe the best in me or when others try to one up me. Or when people are impatient with me because I process slower.  I had one algebra teacher in high school tell me that I was never going to get it, which translated in my head you're not smart enough to get it.  It's amazing how these lies continue into adulthood like a broken record.  Sometimes I stop playing the record, then one day I turn it on and let it play over and over again.  What's your broken record playing?

-->Broken Record

This voice is strong

Like a broken record.

Satan replays it over and over.

You’re not good enough,

That’s all I hear.

You’re not good enough,

The sound is so clear.

Stupid and ugly to name just a few.

Words that hold on so strong,

It’s hard to believe something new.

Lies that seep in over the years.

Lies that become real.

Lies that bring about so many fears.

Over time Satan’s power weighs me down.

The Spirit there fighting for me,

Trying to turn that frown upside down,

Whispering in my ear you can be free!

The lies demand control,

Desperately wanting the throne.

Every day seeking for my soul

And this heart feels so alone.

How do I let go when I feel so low?

O God, how I need you.

Only through Him will I let go!

It's time to crush that record and play something new! Time to listen to the Lord and hear his voice, not Satan's.  That is the only way to be free. Will you break that record? Play something new? Play His beautiful music instead of the old, broken one that hurts. It's time to let go.  It's time be free!

It is in the race.

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I am a triathlete.  I never thought in a million years I would be saying that.  For the last couple of years my friend Erin has been trying to get me to do a triathlon with him.  I said no over and over again.  I didn’t just say no, I said I would never ever do one.  Then one day it happened, I found myself training for a tri!  What’s that saying again . . . never say never??!!

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Now mind you, I am not a good triathlete, but I did finish my first race the end of April and that means I can finally call myself a triathlete.  I trained for months for this race.  I spent a lot of time in the pool learning to swim free style for the first time.  I put a lot of miles on my bike and running shoes.  I even invested in a few things to help in my training, but even still I wasn’t officially a triathlete.  I had never completed a race, I had never completed the distance of all three events on the same day; I was just a gal who was swimming, biking and running every week.  Then the day came where I had the opportunity to put into practice what I had learned and actually compete in the race.  I was not as ready as I thought I was, I hadn't trained as well as I should of, but I was determined to persevere through each event and not quit. As I reflect back on my training and race day,  I am reminded how the Christian life is not in the training, it is in the race.  We train to run the race.  

Yes, I bought all the stuff I needed to compete in a tri like swim goggles, swim cap, tri suit, a bike odometer, etc, but even still that didn’t make me a triathlete.  I can buy and pursue the things that will make me look and feel like a triathelete, just like I can I can carry my bible with me, attend bible studies, sing songs and pray prayers, but if I don’t put the things I learn into practice and compete in the race, then what the heck am I doing?

So how is competitive training and racing comparable to living the Christian life? What insights can I gain into living the Christian life from my own experience of running and from the Scriptures that develop this image? 

It starts with the training of coarse.  I know I would of not been able to finish that tri had I not trained at all.  I have learned that to be a great runner, swimmer and biker I have to train consistently.   For training to reap its maximum benefit, I must discipline my entire life, not just my time on the track or pool. Hard work is necessary, and that, at times, is painful.  I must be willing to endure hardship! Be willing to put up with pain, knowing what it produces! I also must enjoy the training. As a Christian, I am training not only to achieve a goal, but to become like Christ in the process of living in this world. I am training not only for heaven, but for the rest of my life on earth. And I must learn to be thankful for my trials, to rest in God in the midst of those trials, and, yes, to enjoy the process, to "consider it pure joy" when I am faced with trials.

Now then, when this kind of training occurs, I am prepared to race and in order to race well I need to stay focused and alert. My eyes are to remain fixed on Jesus, looking straight ahead at him, not looking to the world around me, not looking at the problems that face me, not looking at my own past failures or accomplishments, but focusing only on my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  In addition to keeping focus, a good racer must maintain his form throughout the race. As our bodies tire, the natural tendency is to tense up: our shoulders rise, our jaws tighten, we become worried and then get even tighter. And though this is natural, it is quite counterproductive; the tighter we become, the slower we go.  So I need to maintain my form so that I can run the race well and lastly I must simply relax.  I am not called upon to be strong on my own, or to accomplish things for God through my own strength. On the contrary, Jesus tells us "apart from me, you can do nothing."  Instead, I am to rest in him, to relax in him, to allow him to work through me. My job is to focus on him, to turn my thoughts to him, to pray to him, to depend on his word, to put on his armor -- then, and only then, can I succeed in the race of faith. 

One can read everything they need to know about being a triathlete in books or on the internet.  But having the knowledge does not make one a triathlete.  And training does not make one a triathlete if they never compete.  Crossing the finish line makes one a triathlete.  Being a Christian is no different.

Even Us Extraverts Need Our Downtime

I am an extravert and I love being surrounded by people and activities. I grew up playing at all hours down the street with my friends, going to sleep overs whenever I got the chance and getting involved in multiple extracurricular activities.   In high school, one would either find me at Jill Rejeanne’s Dance studio, an Irving High football game, at Plymouth Park Baptist Church, working at Burger King or at my best friends house.  I didn’t like to be alone.  I talked to anyone and everyone, no matter what social circle they ran with.  I would say I was pretty known in my high school years. I was even nominated for the “Most Friendliest” of my class.  I liked being with others and doing something.  This was no different when I entered college. I was constantly popping my head in different rooms while living in the dorms, I went to a lot of Phi Lamb and Cru parties and sometimes choosing social hour at the student center over going to class.  After college I spent 2 years in Russia working with Cru, where I rarely had a moment to myself.  I loved those two years. I loved investing a lot of time with my Russians friends and I especially loved that they were very relational and enjoyed quality time. I thrived in ministry those 2 years.  I have been on staff with Cru for the past ten years. I am constantly with people, building relationships and initiating a lot.  I love that my job is so people orientated. 

But... over the years, I have learned that I reach certain points where I simply have to have time and space to myself or I'll crash and burn.  What, an extravert and solitude? As in "down" time, alone time, nobody in my space time, no internet, telephone, TV, or even bury myself in a good book time?  Yes, even extraverts need down time. Is that a crime? It doesn’t mean I am becoming an introvert or depressed, it just means I am learning the importance of making space to rest and reflect.  It means I am getting older and wiser. I am growing up!

When I keep going and going to right over the top of the headache, insomnia, pain in the back, neck and shoulders, I usually don't even notice when the weariness sets in. Instead, I end up feeling like I need to push a little bit harder. That's an extravert for ya. But the older I have gotten, I have learned to pull back, slow down, unplug, let my batteries recharge.   As I continue to lead more and more in my job, I have learned even more that I need time in solitude, to let the chaos settle a bit and invite God to show me evidence of his presence at work in big ways and subtle ways and allow him to guide me in understanding what these things mean (something I learned while reading Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership). 

My dose of solitude last wknd was just what my soul ordered.  I realize how often I don’t allow room for stillness, silence and rest in the Lord.  As a campus director of a ministry, I understand more and more everyday the importance to have the discipline of solitude. It is my lifeline.

Jesus said, “Come off by yourselves; let’s take a break and get a little rest.”

~ Mark 6:31 (The Message)

Torn Up Inside

Today is the anniversary of my Aunt Cecelia's tragic death.  March 31, 2006 is the day her life ended on this earth.  That was a very hard and painful day, but the weeks and year to follow only led to more pain and hardship. Left with little answers, but I know there will be a day when the truth comes out. I cried out to the Lord many nights that year. Wrestling with Him, longing for answers. Today, this heart still grieves and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I loved the relationship I had with my precious aunt Cecelia. Below is a poem I wrote that tragic year during the most painful mourning I have ever walked through.

Torn Up Inside

I wallow in my pain,

It’s hard to let go.

Barely staying sane,

I feel so low.

Broken into pieces,

Trying to move on,

Distant from Jesus,

I cry all day long.

My heart is aching,

Cecelia’s gone.

The sorrow is growing,

Time passes on.

I toss and turn,

Praying to God,

Trying to understand-

“WHY DID SHE BURN?”

The pain hasn’t left,

I continue to mourn.

Seeking answers,

I feel so torn.

This love makes me cry,

It tears me up within.

“WHY DID SHE DIE?”

I just can’t understand.

I’ll miss her love,

This I can’t deny.

Thank God from above,

This isn’t goodbye!

Up in Heaven,

I pray she will be!

I wait for my time-

One day I will see.

The Ability to Feel

Growing up, I remember getting my feelings hurt easily.  I got made fun of as many children experience to some degree. I was picked on and often rejected.  I was super sensitive and took things very personal.  I cried when I failed a test, when I messed up a dance routine in front of everyone or when I was left out of plans made by my friends.  Now I didn't cry over every little thing, I actually was embarrassed and ashamed when the tears came flooding from the face.  I was told to suck it up, don't be so sensitive.  Now why was it okay to express joy and happiness and not hurt, sadness or anger?  Is it so wrong to delve into the intensity of these feelings?  Where do emotions come from any way? 

This ability to feel comes from our being made in the image of God.  God did it!  Inside of me is a world of emotions and I still fight them, but I am learning to tap into them more and more the older I get.  So with that said, I am going to be vulnerable right now and share some of that intensity that I find deep and real. I am not ashamed, I am free.  So below is how I often express myself to the Lord, being completely raw!

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Falling Tears

Inside I am broken.

My heart is torn;

Lost in this cold, cold world,

Wishing I was never born.

Invisible, hidden, and rejected

My voice is silent.

I am in fear, scared out of my mind.

Everything is so violent.

My heart is pounding, deep in hurt.

Lord I am crying out,

Praying you hear my voice

Because deep within I tend to doubt.

I know I am not abiding.

I don’t understand why I keep hiding.

The tears keep falling, tumbling down my face,

I hide this shame in my pillow,

Letting my pain soak at a slow pace.

But the tears, they just keep falling.

I want out of this agony,

This is how I feel,

It can’t be covered up-

It’s just too real!

I have a secret. . .

I am not a verbal processor.



I am an internal processor. 
       Surprised?

I am!!!  It only took me my whole life to come to this conclusion.  I asked my mentor Shannon a few months back if she thought I was a verbal or internal processor.  Her answer was internal processor and that surprised me.  I have been thinking about her answer ever since and reflecting on my thought-life as funny as that sounds, then the light-bulb went off!  As I thought more and more about it, it all made sense.  All these years and now I get it.  I am in fact an internal processor!
               I think because I am an extravert, this confused me and probably others too.  But it's true, I need time to think and ponder things internally and generally alone, which means I might need more down time then an average extravert, especially the older I get.

       So, when confronted by something, as an internal processor l need some quiet time to process it.  This is why I don't like being put on the spot.  I do not think out loud like some do.  It takes me awhile to think things through.  I am so insanely busy these days that sometimes I find it hard to really have time or the energy to internally process.  


                                      And what I do know is that I need time, period! 

        Though some people may get frustrated with me, especially the verbal processors, I am thankful God wired me this way.  So let me sit back, reflect and process at a pace that works for me.

Complaining Prayers

Reading through Habakkuk, I am reminded of the importance to take my questions and requests to the Lord, to bring my complaints and frustrations to him in prayer.  I am to come to him boldly, not holding back or ashamed.  Habakkuk's complaints were complaining prayers, he cried out to God for answers in his time of struggle and God answered him with words of hope.  He was a man who sought answers. 

When I am troubled, I do not always bring my concerns directly to God.  I let fear and doubt hold me back, but why am I afraid?? A lot of times it's because He may not always answer like I expect or want. The problem is not with God and his ways, but with my limited understanding of God.

I have also been reading a lot of Psalms these days and I am realizing that most of the Psalms are lamenting or complaining prayers.  I am beginning to see that the complaining prayer is an amazing act of faith!  Habakkuk's complain was not self-absorbed grumbling.  What I observe is a man merely asking good questions and seeking the Lord honestly and passionately.

So I walk away from the scriptures with a desire to be more direct with the Lord, committing my questions, frustrations, complaints and requests to my Father in Heaven. I have the privilege to "come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.  There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." -Hebrew 4:16 

Blessings

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                 Merry Christmas!  I am grateful to God for His steadfast love, and I am enjoying this season of celebrating the birth of our Savior!
                 Truly there is much to be thankful for in this past month. One particular blessing for which I am thankful is that of continued ministry here at TX State and college campuses all over south Texas.  My heart continues to ache for these students to learn of our Savior and know Him personally.  Over a thousand students in South Texas have heard the gospel this fall- Praise God!
                  Another blessing this month was being able to go on vacation to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with my friend Karen.  My sweet friend asked if I would join her, after originally saying no because of money and timing, my friend graciously provided for me! I know the Lord knew I needed to get away for some much needed rest so he took care of the expenses through my friend’s generosity.
                  The Lord just keeps on blessing me and has provided me with a nice road bike through some very dear friends.  This will be so nice to use in San Marcos to get to the Cru office, TX State campus, and long bike rides with students.
                  God truly is the greatest giver of all.  I am overwhelmed with joy of His many blessings in my life.  After many months of praying and having others come alongside me in prayer for a much needed new car, the Lord has blessed me through some amazing folks that have come together and bought me a 2011 Toyota RAV4.

--> I am overwhelmed with joy of God’s love for me.  I do not see myself as very different from the disciples, especially Peter. I fail, betray and disappoint Christ every day. I can’t stay awake or focused long enough to give Him all the adoration He deserves. Yet, He still died for me.  And ultimately, His love for me brings Him the absolute glory because it’s not about me and how deserving of His love I am, rather, it’s about His choice to love me. It’s about what He did on the cross. It’s His life, not mine.  For that, I am overwhelmed.  Thank you God for blessing me much more than I deserve.   Many days when I stop to think about it, I cry to the Lord for feelings that I don’t deserve it all. However, my good friend reminded me that He has determined by His actions that I DO "deserve" His love, therefore who am I to say I don't?  Do I have a better sense of justice and mercy than He does?…of course not! So my conclusion is to say, "Thank you Lord for blessing me and loving me as you see fit!”  His love for us does bring Him glory but it also brings Him great pleasure.  

          May you have a blessed Christmas as you celebrate our Savior’s birth.

                  “From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.” John 1:16

Freedom to Grieve

Jesus told us in John 16:33 that in this world, in this lifetime, we will have trouble. There will be pain, tribulation, and suffering, and in the wake of trouble comes grief.  Grief is a part of life, we can not escape it. 

Grieve is something I never fully understood. I remember as a child getting tragic news about my aunt and cousins trailer catching on fire in the middle of the night while they were asleep and that my cousin Brian didn't make it out.  As an eleven year old, I was not sure what to do with this. Do I cry? Do I ask questions? Where do I go with all of this pain? There were many other deaths I walked through at an early age and I only remember shedding tears for a moment because I didn't know how to mourn.  Grieving was foreign to me, something I just didn't understand.

My sophomore year in high school I walked through a deep loss of my friend David that one day I sat at lunch with and the next day he was in the hospital after complaining to the coaches at football practice about a headache that led to him passing out. Days later he died.  This put my class in a deep slumber for the rest of our high school years.  This loss led me to cry out to God and search for meaning and purpose of life. Yet I still did not know what to do with the deep aches and pains my heart was feeling, I just got to point where I just moved on.

At the age of 33, I have lost all four of my grandparents. They will never see me marry or have children and this saddens my heart.  Though I was not close with my mother's parents, my heart grieves the loss of them choosing alcohol all those years over truly knowing me.

  

The year of 2006 was the hardest year I had to walk through as my family and I walked through six deaths, the hardest being my Aunt Cecelia.  She and I were attached to the hip any time we were together. Her tragic life was taken unexpectedly and that brought a lot of pain to this heart of mine. There were a lot of questions that to this day have not been answered.  I went into deep depression and felt so alone.  I wrestled with God and felt others pull away. 

I felt the Lord pressing on my heart over the summer to seek Him on what it means to grieve Biblically and it has been a freeing process over these last several months.  At first I was resistant and confused why this was all coming back to the surface, but as I began to seek God's Word it became more clear:  There is FREEDOM to GRIEVE and the Bible paints a totally different picture then what I have been taught and I want to seek the Lord through pain that comes my way rather it’s death or a disappointment of some sort because there will be more grief to come in this lifetime.

What I have learned is that we know how to cry, we know how to be sad, and we know how to get on with life, but really, we don’t know how to grieve, how to mourn, how to process the pain of deep loss. What Christians often do less well is grieve. We lack a ritual for the long and tiring process that is sorrow and loss. When someone loses a loved one, for about two weeks the church is really the church. People might come by the house, bring flowers or baked casseroles, but then the two weeks end, and so do the sympathy e-mails, calls and cards.  That’s definitely how I felt, I was still bawling my eyes out and questioning God, while everyone else, understandably, forgot and went back to their normal lives and I found that I was left alone to deal with the tragic death of my aunt Cecelia and the other relatives that had passed on.

I have been reading “A Grace Disguised”  by Jerry Sittser over the summer and is now one of my favorite books.  He talks about how all people suffer loss, but that really it's useless to compare losses. He does make a distinction, however, between natural and predictable losses and catastrophic, devastating, irreversible losses. The natural predictable losses include things like growing up... losing your youth, but gaining adulthood; or, watching your child get married... "losing" your child, but gaining a son or daughter in law.

Then there are the catastrophic, devastating, irreversible losses. About these, Sittser writes, "If normal, natural, reversible loss is like a broken limb, then catastrophic loss is like an amputation. The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, the consequences cumulative. Each new day forces one to face some new devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one's life."

“Can anyone really expect to recover from such tragedy, considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss? Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss, by definition precludes recovery. It will transform or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. What ever the future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper."

So basically I am learning it’s okay to grieve and recovering isn't really an option because a deep, tragic loss forever changes you. It doesn't mean that I’ll remain forever in the pit of sorrow and despair; because by God's grace, He meets us there and carries us through.  It’s all part of my story. 

So yes I will continue to grieve the loss of loved ones and difficult circumstances in my life.  I have the freedom to grieve. I must mourn, but I also must go on living. I never want to be a prisoner of my past or be a victim to it.

So I leave you with the biggest lesson I have gained from this journey, my new favorite verse: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 This verse has opened my heart  and eyes to how beautiful it is to not only celebrate with others in their blessings and joys they are experiencing, but how beautiful it is to grieve with those in deep losses and pains, how beautiful to walk with them, to be in it with them.  It seems that our flesh is uncomfortable with tragedy so we run from it.  It’s uncomfortable to not only deal with our own sadness, but to try and walk alongside someone else in there pain is harder.  We tend to run from it.  It’s hard and uncomfortable to stick by friends in pain because it’s a long, long process.  Healing is a process.  Mourning is a part of life.  So in light of this verse I have found, I want to put this truth into practice, to sow that into others lives.